That woman was God.Or,was it Devil?

I had a very weird dream last night.It was very vague and highly unpolitical and unsocial and immoral and shitfull but yeah it was an awesome weird dream.I saw that I was sniffing coke somewhere in Los Angeles with Shyla Stylez on my left and Jenna Jameson on my right playfully messing with my hair.A minute later Kanye West lands down from his helicopter and shoots me down for stealing his coke.I went to heaven and I see a woman standing with a placard outside.Did you ever think God's a woman?.She says,"Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven."I'm like,"What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fucking where!" "All right,now you are getting the hang of it.Oh,yeah,I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates?You wanna tap that?They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding.You aren't in heaven,you're in hell.HuHaHaHa.You've been punk'd.Booooom."The devil shoots me with a laser gun.

Moral:I am gonna be a Douchebag even after I am dead.

I am America.A compulsive obsession.

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."
-TIME Magazine,September of '86

I love lying.I love it even when I don't need to lie.I lie even when I don't want to.It has become some kind of Obsessive-Compulsive-Habit.My mom says lying is bad, but,I am helpless.The world is a small place to live.Smaller to lie.You end up getting caught somehow,someday.But I personally feel that lying makes you sharper,keeps your grey cells stimulated 24x7 and makes sure you are always on your toes.Deceiving is an art and I respect people who seem to have mastered it.One of them is The great Osama Bin Laden.In eight years,we couldn't find Osama bin Laden,but in those years we nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall.The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall,but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.He is an awesome fuckup and I respect him for all he did to hold Bush's balls for so many years.US needs to think of something else,something innovative,something unconventional to hold Osama's balls now.Next time a country wants to take USA on,instead of sending bombs,they should try this:send everyone in the country a color television and a satellite dish.And give them the basic package,not HBO — screw those people.And before the war starts,make them all sit down."Okay,we'll go to war with you.You want a piece of us,fine,fine.Before we go,I want you guys to understand us a little better,and so for that you have to sit down and watch ESPN for 12 hours and Discovery-US special edition for next 12 hours.'Cause you watch ESPN for a full day,you're gonna understand America a lot better.'Hi,we're America! We build monster trucks for fun!We developed the top fuel dragster-zero to three hundred thirty miles an hour in under five seconds,cause,pfft,we were bored.Piss us off,heh,and see what we build!And we may feel bad about it later!Ask Japan.But before we feel bad...we're gonna jack you up!And then we're gonna send you FOOD! 'Cause we're America; we're schizophrenic.Don't mess with a nation that needs medication!'"

George bush/Kill that bitch/Teach a man fishing.

"Give a man a fish,tomorrow he's gonna want another fish.Teach a man to fish, tomorrow,he's standin' next to you on the dock catchin' your fish.Kill the man.Chop him to bits.Tomorrow,you got bait.Don't make a friend.Make him your chum."

- Peeing on Stonehenge

~~~~~~~>TODAY'S LECTURE IS ON TWO MOST CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS IN HUMAN MANKIND<~~~~~~~~

1.George Bush:

George Bush has fucked up so bad,he made it hard for a white man to run for president.People are like "give me a black man,a white woman,a giraffe,a zebra...anything but another white man.That last one fucked up my roof!".Even though Obama might be in,but George Bush is still in charge.And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush.You think you don't give a fuck?George Bush doesn't give a fuck either.Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush.If you were hanging from a cliff,getting ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff,and all you needed was a fuck to save your life,and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one."Hey, Bush,I need a fuck!" "Oh,you know I don't give a fuck.Here's a fuck...psych!"I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room.Trust me,Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room,Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson.Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video.All to get your mind off the war.Bush lied to me,they all lied to me:"We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth.They're the most dangerous regime in the world."If they're so dangerous,how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit.Man,you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.Anyway I respect this man.I respect him for fucking up the entire USA without any trace.Also for fucking WTC,a 110 floor,417 metres buliding.You gotta respect someone with so much balls.And Sorry,I forgot the Iraq part,for that as well.


2.Women:

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.They say that women are too judgmental,where,of course,men are just grateful.I wonder why don't we have people with such mentality in here.Anyway there ain't any point pondering over women.I have spent fucking 21 years of my life to sort out what women want.All in vain,though.And trust me,if I were to write a thesis on 'What Women Want',I wouldn't make it to more than 100 words.A bunch of girls say,"You don't need no man to help you raise no child"…shut the fuck up with the bullshit.Yeah,you could do it without a man,but that doesn't mean it's to be done.Shit,you can drive a car with your feet if you want to,but that doesn't make it a good fucking idea.Also,very importantly,Women hate women.You get any two girlfriends in this room,been girlfriends for twenty five years,you put a man in between them…"fuck that bitch", "fuck that bitch."Guys are not like that.Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea,and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend,and when they walk away,this boy goes, "Oh man, she's nice,I gotta get me a girl like that."If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend,and they walk away,her girlfriend goes,"I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it."Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.Ask any girl what she'd rather be than beautiful,and she'll say more beautiful.Women will be women.No denying the fact.But I really respect women for whatever they are.I respect it when they say they love my blog and also when they call me at their house-warming parties.I also respect some of them for the fact that they do my assignments,especially when I have to watch some new episode of LOST or Boston Legal(They don't know it about though :P)

I WAS.

X asked him “What is 43x16?” and started counting,”1,2,3..”. ”688” came a spooky reply even before X could say 4.X took a deep breath and said “And 37x34?”.And he counted again,”1,2,3..”.”1258”,it came out again.X just stood there for a minute staring blankly at the boy,as if he was expecting the boy to say something,but the boy was still calculating things in his head.X went home and spent an year with numbers.An year alone with Numbers.Speaking with them,eating with them,and even sleeping with them.An year later he went to the boy and said “Ask me anything”.The boy said “What is 67x23?”.The boy started the count,”1,2..”.”1541”,X replied.X looked at the boy’s mouth ,which was bent in way as if the boy wanted to say Three but couldn't.X smiled.He then said,”I beat you by a second”.The boy said “Ask me something now”.X said,”What is 43x27”.It was X’s time to count and he said,”1,..”.”1161”,he said,in just under 2 seconds, “I beat you by something which will never let you win against me.Are you sad?”.”I was”,X replied and went to sleep.With numbers.

Forest Gump/The train accident/I wish.

Jenny Curran: Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest?
Forrest Gump: I sit next to them in my Home Economics class all the time.

-Forest Gump.

Had Jenny Curran asked me if I have ever been with a girl,I would have said"What do ya' mean by 'have been with a girl'??Like going out with her?Eating Ice-creams with dirty flavors which I would never have eaten had I not wanted to go out?Going to beaches with different names and see the same sun go down under the ocean?Buying wall painting with setting sun and village girls filling water?Gifting her things I would never have bought had I not wanted a midnight kiss?Finding puppies super-cute?feeding a cat just 'cause it gives you blank hungry stares?Or do ya' mean,been around with loads of girls?As in went to watch movies in groups of 10 guys and 10 girls?having coffee in CCD with them without anything going on in head?or,as in studied with them just before the exams?".Jenny would have called me a Dumbfuck,slapped me and left by then.But its better to sort out the confusion than speaking bullshit.So look,even though I got a slap,I am smarter than Forest Gump,the guy,who had been a football star,and a war hero,and a national celebrity,and a shrimpin' boat captain,and a college graduate.A movie star too.

I was reading an article on The Hindu,in which a guy came under a fast moving train in some district of Kerala.Now Kerala has got the highest literacy rate,and even if it had the lowest literacy rate,how the-how the heck do you get hit by a train!I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack you at the last minute or something. There's like a railroad there to give you,you know,a HEADS UP SIGN.I tell you,if you ever gonna get hit by a train,do this:Keep your eyes open and take 5 steps forward.Then look at some guy standing at the door of the train and say "Hey boy,look I just saved my ass".Simple,ain't it?.

Anyway my Lab exams are over and for a change,they went awesome.Ok,I know I sound a little retarded and very dumb on my blog but I used to be a nerd once upon a time.And moreover I still can be a nerd,but I don't see any point slogging for hours and burning midnight oil for just a few extra marks.I see these people studying one month before the exams and managing 95 in all subjects.But then I convince myself that I study for 2 days and manage a 75,so if I study for a month I will break all the fucking GPA records(Simple Ratio-Proportion funda),will become a gold medalist in my college,get a scholarship from Illinois and will move onto become the next Bill Gates and then open up some trust for poor guys qround the world,and when I am about to die I will marry some Playboy chick.Don't pity at my jerk-ness.I told you I sound a little retarded on my blog but I am smarter than Forest Gump.Only if everyone understood me,the world would be a better place to live.Awesome place,infact.

Welcome to my world,Bitch.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land"
- Ernesto 'Ché' Guevara

I know only 4 things about the day I was born.First,it was 7th september 1987.Second,I was born inside Room no.17,Extensive Maternal Wards in a hospital on the Guwahati airport,where my parents were supposed to catch a flight from.Third,I was born 18 days pre-maturely.And last,I wasn't supposed to be born so soon.I hate being born 18 days earlier than I was supposed too.My sunsign would have been Libra,if I were born at the time I was supposed too.I would have been more balanced than I am now.My ruling planet would have been Venus,the planet which screws me up most nowadays.And moreover my birthdate would have been 25th september.A date I would have shared with my 6 friends,that includes my first crush Ankita Jaiswal,who is currently pursuing Honours in Economics from some awesome college in London.I would have also shared the date with Chris Owen,Catherine Zeta Jones and Will Smith.My sunsign doped me with many things I hate in me,now.Like,I hate going to places.I find it highly discomforting to get my bum off my chair,pack clothes and doing other formalities.I feel there are many ways of seeing the world.You can hang upside down from a meteor,volunteer to be the fourth stage of a three-stage rocket,or simply get in a balloon and keep going.But if it's sheer,unadulterated discomfort you're looking for,just stay on land.Even more,people I usually encounter in my life are very witty,speak equivocally and very ambiguously.For example,Take Rusty Kohli.This guy is one of my awesomest friends but also one of the jerkiest.He loves talking shit.Pure-awesome shit.Last time I went home,he told me I was like the first breath of spring.Well,he didn't exactly put it that way.He said I looked like the end of a long,hard winter.Now guys like him are "ass"-ets in your life.These guys come in the category of bong-smoking,American accent-bashing,flag-burning,yoga-posing,incense-burning,dolphin-saving,salmon-eating hypocrites.These are the sensitive,liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression,unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.He does drugs,and infact,32% of people I know,do too.I ask them "Tell me,what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?",they say,"Well, it intensifies your personality."I say,"Yes, but what if you're an asshole?".They don't talk to me for a week after that.But when you have to deal with it,you deal with it.

I hate statistics.Infact,I hate everything that has graphs and bars in it.Even,percentages and ratios.I am not interested in statistics that tell me things are not as bad as they seem.Things are horrible.I have met people crying about what is happening,but there is no solution yet.Everyone is trying to say something but there ain't anyone to listen.I hate statistics,absolutely.God once had Bach and Michelangelo on his side,he had Mozart,and now who does he have?People with ginger whiskers and tinted spectacles who reduce the glories of theology to a kind of sharing,but God is fine with it and expects us to be fine too.

By the way,I have decided that when I grow old,very old I will write a letter to my dad:"I want a young,21 years old chick,Dad.I want somebody to love me. I wanna to be free again.I wanna walk in the backyard on the grass.I wanna put my bare feet in the ocean.I wanna run along the sand and feel it on my feet.I wanna stand up in the shower with the hot water streaming down my legs,in the morning... I wanna explode, Dad.I wanna get out of this fucking body I'm in.I wanna be a man again...I just wanna be a man again.".Anyway I have got a treat today.Weekend-treats are awesome.Especially,if the menu includes Sizzlers and Budweiser.Chalo then Catch ya'll later after my alcoholic-session.Muaaah.

Awesomer/Chacha/Bored/Osho/Kingfisher Guy.

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look,I fuck like you wanna fuck,I am smart, capable,and most importantly,I am free in all the ways that you are not.
-Tyler Durden,Fight Club.


Today is an awesome day.Infact,after 4 pints of Budweiser anyday becomes an awesome day.This light,floating and orgasmic feeling should never go from life.I feel as if some really amazing thing is impending.Maybe some chick will call me tonight and say "Oh,you are such an awesome guy,Wanna check out my flat?" or Maybe I'll get a call from someone saying that "You remember Mr.X?You met him last summer in the Kingfisher you were flying.He thought you were awesomer(WTF Word) than Chuck Norris and so Mr.X has left a hug will named after you".But,this ain't me writing all this.It is the Budweiser-soul inside me.And so the reader's discretion is highly advised.

Anyway my day started on a sad note.I bunked my DSP lecture and now I have a fucking-amazing 12 bunks in it.But Chacha(Read:BK Singh-Our lecturer) is a real cool guy with a geezer accent and even sarcastic and mind-fucking tone.But in the end all that matters is that he is a cool guy.And so I can even bunk 12 more classes and he won't fucking mind a bit.But I have learned from thousand of TV Ads and newspaper articles that "Use Protection".So I ain't gonna bunk anymore classes.

I am bored of this place and want some chaste boombazzle to happen here in Manipal.For a hundred years or more this place,our place,has been dying.And not one guy,in these last hundred years or so,has been crazy enough to put a bomb up the asshole of creation and set it off.This place is rotting away,dying piecemeal.But it needs the coup de grace,it needs to be blown to smithereens.Not one of us is intact, and yet we have in us all the continents and the seas between the continents and the birds of the air.We are going to put it down-the evolution of this place which has died but which has not been buried.I think I sound like OSHO when I try to speak some spiritual shit.Oh,OSHO.I so love him.He is one awesome guy too.This is what he said when asked about his celibacy ideas-"Whenever I meet prostitutes,they never speak of sex.They inquire about the soul,and about God.I also meet many ascetics and monks, and whenever we are alone they ask about nothing but sex.I was surprised to learn that ascetics, who are always preaching against sex, seem to be captivated by it.They are curious about it and disturbed by it;they have this mental complex about it, yet they sermonize about religion and about the animal instincts in man.And sex is so natural."Wrong people asking wrong things.Told you guys,he's awesome.He talks about everything.From the 'S' word to the 'L' word.

I think I have blabbered a lot for today.I have to finish watching another season of 24 tonight.So Ciao.By the way I am getting a call from some unknown number right now and I have this real feeling that it's that Kingfisher guy's lawyer. ;)

Drug.Soccer.Shit./And yeah,I want to get laid.

I am really bored.And unlike other times,this time I am serious.I wish we had something like a Nazi camp,here,in Manipal.We would have drugs tested on us.Real shit drugs.We would have got to see awesome German chicks all spanked up.But like someone said,life would be sadder if we get everything we want.Take out DT,Open Bar,this Fucking College and some Really fucking chicks,some amazing chicks and some awesome chicks out of this town and all you get left is a sad place with sadder people counting "vandu,radd,muru,naall".Anyway ManUtd is gonna play Everton tomorrow in FA cup semifinals.Then a few days later they are gonna play Arsenal,then a few days later again arsenal and then the next week again arsenal.Now fucking retards in here who pretend to be awesome die-hard aficionado of Arsenal,Liverpool,Chelsea and the likes give me fucking details and even more fucking logic and predictions about upcoming matches.But I know things and I know this time its United all the way.Excuse my french but Mind it,all the fucking way.

By the way I was wondering if You have ever dipped your biscuit in your tea and it broke.I swear now,it hurts.It also hurts when you spend 4 and a half fucking hours for the new Daisy Marie video to finish(230 MB file to be exact) only to find out later that it was 4th episode of season 3 of Seinfield.It also hurts when you start hitting on a really awesome chick,spend 42 hours finding her details,but get to know later that she is going out with some guy with really awesome hair and a modified R15 with double-celled wheels and awesome Flashlights.Shit happens.But with me,it happens 24x7.I hate being jinxed but god wants it otherwise.I know I have written alot about god in my previous posts but he is one real awesome guy.He sees it all,but just laughs,goes to his refrigerator,gets another Coke bottle and wait for next shit to happen.If there is some guy as awesome as Chuck Norris,it's God.He plays dice but knows whats gonna come out.He also knew that I was gonna screw up my today's paper but he didn't say any single fucking thing.Just numb and silent.Watched it all happening.Didn't even get up to get Coke.Sat and watched the entire thing happening and in the end laughed like I laugh when I see Barney Stinson.I am bored as hell and want to get laid ASAP.Cmmon don't think I am some pervert escapist who just broke the jail and is on loose.I am not bad,It's just the fucking devil inside me.Not the fuck-ing devil but fucking devil.So anyone reading this blog who is interested in serving people contact me.

'I' is a Dumb Fuck.

"FUCK YOU".Well,fuck you,too.Fuck me,fuck you,fuck this whole city and everyone in it.Fuck the teachers,the preachers,the colleagues and friends.Fuck the jobless.Fuck those with the job.If you don't get a normal job,get a fucking job! Fuck the Talibanis and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs,curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day.Terrorists in fucking training.SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps.Fuck the Scousers sucking up Rafa's cock going down on each other in their parks and on their piers,jingling their dicks on ESPN and Star Sports.Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic."Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?"Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach.Mobster thugs sitting in exotic cafes,sipping tea in little glasses,sugar cubes between their teeth.Wheelin'and dealin' and schemin'.Go back where you fucking came from.Fuck the black-hatted Mr.X who comes in my dreams and tell me I am good for nothing.Fuck the SOB's in Nepal Border selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers.Self-styled masters of the universe Send those Enron ans Satyam And Drexel Burnhams assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that Enron shit?Give me a fucking break! Tyco!Worldcom!Fuck the guys and chicks I have known all my life.20 to a car,swelling up the welfare rolls,worst fuckin' parade in the world.And don't even get me started on the Whom I actually always hated.They made others look good.Fuck the Italians with their pomaded hair,their nylon warm-up suits,their St. Anthony medallions,swinging their,Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger,baseball bats,trying to audition for the Sopranos.Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-Ruppee Balducci artichokes.Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny.You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart!Fuck the uptown brothers.They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man on the stands.Slavery ended sixty-fucking-two years ago in country.Move the fuck on!Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence.You betray our trust! And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville,J!Fuck Osama Bin Laden,Al Qaeda,and backward-ass,cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Indian ass! Fuck Aditya Sharma, whining malcontent.Fuck Aditya Rudraksh my best friend,judging me while he stares at someone else's gf's ass. Fuck Diya Agarwal,I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, fucking bitch. Fuck Rusty with his endless grief,standing behind that bar in some cheap Delhi shop sipping on club sodas,selling whisky to friends,cheering Bayern Munich.Fuck this whole world and everyone in it.From the row-houses of Manipal to the penthouses on Park Avenue,from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it let the fires rage,let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.No.No,fuck you,Fuck myself.I am such a poor sadist fucker.I had it all, and I threw it away,me dumb fuck!

Dostoyevski On A Roller-Coaster.

I would never do crack...I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
-Denis Leary(Comedy Central,March 2006)

Jenna Jameson(The awesomest Porno-Queen) thinks that 'making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent of trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster.'Now while saying this she didn't describe what kind of rough sex she was referring to.As in,as per her standards or ours?And moreover A normal person like me(I am Normal)can't think of reading Dostoyevski even while bumped on a Bean-Bag.How can she fucking exaggerate the facts by placing the entire scenario on a Roller-Coaster?But I just realized that she is Jenna Jameson.If she can suck it awesomely being upside down,she,for sure has the right to exaggerate.