Welcome to my world,Bitch.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land"
- Ernesto 'Ché' Guevara

I know only 4 things about the day I was born.First,it was 7th september 1987.Second,I was born inside Room no.17,Extensive Maternal Wards in a hospital on the Guwahati airport,where my parents were supposed to catch a flight from.Third,I was born 18 days pre-maturely.And last,I wasn't supposed to be born so soon.I hate being born 18 days earlier than I was supposed too.My sunsign would have been Libra,if I were born at the time I was supposed too.I would have been more balanced than I am now.My ruling planet would have been Venus,the planet which screws me up most nowadays.And moreover my birthdate would have been 25th september.A date I would have shared with my 6 friends,that includes my first crush Ankita Jaiswal,who is currently pursuing Honours in Economics from some awesome college in London.I would have also shared the date with Chris Owen,Catherine Zeta Jones and Will Smith.My sunsign doped me with many things I hate in me,now.Like,I hate going to places.I find it highly discomforting to get my bum off my chair,pack clothes and doing other formalities.I feel there are many ways of seeing the world.You can hang upside down from a meteor,volunteer to be the fourth stage of a three-stage rocket,or simply get in a balloon and keep going.But if it's sheer,unadulterated discomfort you're looking for,just stay on land.Even more,people I usually encounter in my life are very witty,speak equivocally and very ambiguously.For example,Take Rusty Kohli.This guy is one of my awesomest friends but also one of the jerkiest.He loves talking shit.Pure-awesome shit.Last time I went home,he told me I was like the first breath of spring.Well,he didn't exactly put it that way.He said I looked like the end of a long,hard winter.Now guys like him are "ass"-ets in your life.These guys come in the category of bong-smoking,American accent-bashing,flag-burning,yoga-posing,incense-burning,dolphin-saving,salmon-eating hypocrites.These are the sensitive,liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression,unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.He does drugs,and infact,32% of people I know,do too.I ask them "Tell me,what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?",they say,"Well, it intensifies your personality."I say,"Yes, but what if you're an asshole?".They don't talk to me for a week after that.But when you have to deal with it,you deal with it.

I hate statistics.Infact,I hate everything that has graphs and bars in it.Even,percentages and ratios.I am not interested in statistics that tell me things are not as bad as they seem.Things are horrible.I have met people crying about what is happening,but there is no solution yet.Everyone is trying to say something but there ain't anyone to listen.I hate statistics,absolutely.God once had Bach and Michelangelo on his side,he had Mozart,and now who does he have?People with ginger whiskers and tinted spectacles who reduce the glories of theology to a kind of sharing,but God is fine with it and expects us to be fine too.

By the way,I have decided that when I grow old,very old I will write a letter to my dad:"I want a young,21 years old chick,Dad.I want somebody to love me. I wanna to be free again.I wanna walk in the backyard on the grass.I wanna put my bare feet in the ocean.I wanna run along the sand and feel it on my feet.I wanna stand up in the shower with the hot water streaming down my legs,in the morning... I wanna explode, Dad.I wanna get out of this fucking body I'm in.I wanna be a man again...I just wanna be a man again.".Anyway I have got a treat today.Weekend-treats are awesome.Especially,if the menu includes Sizzlers and Budweiser.Chalo then Catch ya'll later after my alcoholic-session.Muaaah.

Awesomer/Chacha/Bored/Osho/Kingfisher Guy.

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look,I fuck like you wanna fuck,I am smart, capable,and most importantly,I am free in all the ways that you are not.
-Tyler Durden,Fight Club.


Today is an awesome day.Infact,after 4 pints of Budweiser anyday becomes an awesome day.This light,floating and orgasmic feeling should never go from life.I feel as if some really amazing thing is impending.Maybe some chick will call me tonight and say "Oh,you are such an awesome guy,Wanna check out my flat?" or Maybe I'll get a call from someone saying that "You remember Mr.X?You met him last summer in the Kingfisher you were flying.He thought you were awesomer(WTF Word) than Chuck Norris and so Mr.X has left a hug will named after you".But,this ain't me writing all this.It is the Budweiser-soul inside me.And so the reader's discretion is highly advised.

Anyway my day started on a sad note.I bunked my DSP lecture and now I have a fucking-amazing 12 bunks in it.But Chacha(Read:BK Singh-Our lecturer) is a real cool guy with a geezer accent and even sarcastic and mind-fucking tone.But in the end all that matters is that he is a cool guy.And so I can even bunk 12 more classes and he won't fucking mind a bit.But I have learned from thousand of TV Ads and newspaper articles that "Use Protection".So I ain't gonna bunk anymore classes.

I am bored of this place and want some chaste boombazzle to happen here in Manipal.For a hundred years or more this place,our place,has been dying.And not one guy,in these last hundred years or so,has been crazy enough to put a bomb up the asshole of creation and set it off.This place is rotting away,dying piecemeal.But it needs the coup de grace,it needs to be blown to smithereens.Not one of us is intact, and yet we have in us all the continents and the seas between the continents and the birds of the air.We are going to put it down-the evolution of this place which has died but which has not been buried.I think I sound like OSHO when I try to speak some spiritual shit.Oh,OSHO.I so love him.He is one awesome guy too.This is what he said when asked about his celibacy ideas-"Whenever I meet prostitutes,they never speak of sex.They inquire about the soul,and about God.I also meet many ascetics and monks, and whenever we are alone they ask about nothing but sex.I was surprised to learn that ascetics, who are always preaching against sex, seem to be captivated by it.They are curious about it and disturbed by it;they have this mental complex about it, yet they sermonize about religion and about the animal instincts in man.And sex is so natural."Wrong people asking wrong things.Told you guys,he's awesome.He talks about everything.From the 'S' word to the 'L' word.

I think I have blabbered a lot for today.I have to finish watching another season of 24 tonight.So Ciao.By the way I am getting a call from some unknown number right now and I have this real feeling that it's that Kingfisher guy's lawyer. ;)

'I' is a Dumb Fuck.

"FUCK YOU".Well,fuck you,too.Fuck me,fuck you,fuck this whole city and everyone in it.Fuck the teachers,the preachers,the colleagues and friends.Fuck the jobless.Fuck those with the job.If you don't get a normal job,get a fucking job! Fuck the Talibanis and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs,curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day.Terrorists in fucking training.SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps.Fuck the Scousers sucking up Rafa's cock going down on each other in their parks and on their piers,jingling their dicks on ESPN and Star Sports.Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic."Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?"Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach.Mobster thugs sitting in exotic cafes,sipping tea in little glasses,sugar cubes between their teeth.Wheelin'and dealin' and schemin'.Go back where you fucking came from.Fuck the black-hatted Mr.X who comes in my dreams and tell me I am good for nothing.Fuck the SOB's in Nepal Border selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers.Self-styled masters of the universe Send those Enron ans Satyam And Drexel Burnhams assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that Enron shit?Give me a fucking break! Tyco!Worldcom!Fuck the guys and chicks I have known all my life.20 to a car,swelling up the welfare rolls,worst fuckin' parade in the world.And don't even get me started on the Whom I actually always hated.They made others look good.Fuck the Italians with their pomaded hair,their nylon warm-up suits,their St. Anthony medallions,swinging their,Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger,baseball bats,trying to audition for the Sopranos.Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-Ruppee Balducci artichokes.Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny.You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart!Fuck the uptown brothers.They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man on the stands.Slavery ended sixty-fucking-two years ago in country.Move the fuck on!Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence.You betray our trust! And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville,J!Fuck Osama Bin Laden,Al Qaeda,and backward-ass,cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Indian ass! Fuck Aditya Sharma, whining malcontent.Fuck Aditya Rudraksh my best friend,judging me while he stares at someone else's gf's ass. Fuck Diya Agarwal,I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, fucking bitch. Fuck Rusty with his endless grief,standing behind that bar in some cheap Delhi shop sipping on club sodas,selling whisky to friends,cheering Bayern Munich.Fuck this whole world and everyone in it.From the row-houses of Manipal to the penthouses on Park Avenue,from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it let the fires rage,let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.No.No,fuck you,Fuck myself.I am such a poor sadist fucker.I had it all, and I threw it away,me dumb fuck!

Dostoyevski On A Roller-Coaster.

I would never do crack...I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
-Denis Leary(Comedy Central,March 2006)

Jenna Jameson(The awesomest Porno-Queen) thinks that 'making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent of trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster.'Now while saying this she didn't describe what kind of rough sex she was referring to.As in,as per her standards or ours?And moreover A normal person like me(I am Normal)can't think of reading Dostoyevski even while bumped on a Bean-Bag.How can she fucking exaggerate the facts by placing the entire scenario on a Roller-Coaster?But I just realized that she is Jenna Jameson.If she can suck it awesomely being upside down,she,for sure has the right to exaggerate.

//The Screw//

"The ozone hole over the Antarctic may soon set the record as being the world's biggest. This is the first year that the world's biggest hole will not be a head of state."
-Rick Mercer(Unsourced).

Before I catch my pace and stat writing actual shit,let me tell you some very basic cliche's of life.A lot of people say Life is a bitch.To be very frank,it ain't so.In fact,Life is a son of bitch.So lesson one:When you want to put more emotions into something/someone which really sucks,add "Son of a-".You can use this as a prefix over any fucking word(preferably Noun).God made us this way(as in,The way I am)because he knew we are one bunch of goat-fuckers.He knew that we would get horny every 15 minutes and so he added other things on this planet to keep us busy.Like,he gave us TV thinking that we would watch about Global Warming and do things which ain't related to sex.But,we goat-fuckers spend a week fighting over a fucking venue for IPL and another week staring at Chicks from Midnight Hot with one hand over TV remote and the other over our Remote.But god sees it all,and the moment you think you are about to get to the critical phase,either the Power goes off or the FTV broadcast.So lesson number two:God knows it all.And so god manipulates things which he doesn't like.For example,Le Rêve (painting) which is a Picasso painting that purportedly would have sold for a record price had its owner,Steve Wynn,not accidentally poked a hole in it.The fact is,God didn't like the panting and he made Steve Wynn do the poke.So love god and trust god in everything you do.God is the Big Brother.He even watches when the government makes policies to satisfy their sadistic tendencies.And he even watches when couples go to some sad corner of the city to 'attach' themselves.And also,when you are pissing in the bathroom and waiting for the last 3 drops to fall in the pot.But God has a brain which stimulates upon our stupidity,so howmuchever you try,the last 3 drops are gonna leak inside your pants.

When it comes to the government-talk I can't forget mentioning about George Bush.He is also one son-of-a-Bi**h.Some people say the glass is half full.Others say it's half empty.George W Bush says 'It's my glass.Step away from my glass, or I'll break it and cut you with the glass'.George W. Bush... he'll cut ya.Anyway,lets move onto the next lesson which deals with women.I know that girls reading this blog will think I am some sadist fucking guy.But I am the voice of the god.*Chuckles*.I speak what I have learned from life and so let me tell you about "Guess-My-Age" Paradox.I don't need to tell you anything about this paradox,'cause you people are very smart to infer what do I mean by Age+chicks.To be more clear ask a chick her age and you will reach the conclusion.The woman who tells her correct age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.Don't ever ask a woman her age unless you really wanna crush your relationship with her under an elephant's leg.And if you think she's lying,don't give her any form of suggestion or advice.Lesson number three:Don't give a woman an advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. And yeah,Women love Numbers.Women have a passion for mathematics.They divide their age in half,double the price of their clothes,and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.For all the guys reading this,if you wanna hit on some girl,Hit on a girl/woman atleast 5 years older than you.Experience comes with age.And girls are judged by the experience they have had.Experience off the record.*Chuckles and falls down*.

And now as we have discussed about the most fatal thing,let's move onto something everyone experiences atleast once in his/her life.In layman's language it's called a SCREW.Not this screw,but the screw you get up your ass when you expect something and get something else.After this phase of life people tend to get all Robin Sharma.They start speaking spirituality and philosophy and this is what I call 'Everything's Screwed Up Syndrome' or more comfortably The ESUS.I know it sounds like Jesus but trust me this is the last thing you will want to co-relate with him.There are many factors which lead to this syndrome,for example,more has been screwed up on the battlefield and misunderstood in the Pentagon because of a lack of understanding of the English language than any other single factor.If people begin to realize that ESUS is just another bad phase of life there won't be any trouble in the world.US thinks they are screwed up,so they bomb.Taliban thinks they are screwed,so they bomb again.And this gets onto become a vicious circle.If US and Taliban realize that they both are screwed up,simultaneously,there won't be any bombings.They need to accept that when difficult times come,what we must do is to raise our faces,take a deep breath and say in full words:now we´re screwed.My story as an ESUS guy started as a kid.I was lousy in school.Real screwed up.A moron.I was antisocial and didn't bother with the other kids.A really bad student.I didn't have any brains.I didn't know what I was doing there.But then I realized and accepted it wholeheartedly that "Ok,today ain't my day.Maybe tomorrow".That's why I became so smart.*Chuckles again*.People need to become like me.Dumb but smart.Ironic but true.Sometimes things work out on the golf course and sometimes they don't.Life will go on.You try to understand what happens, but maybe today you don't want to know.You just screwed up so maybe you should just put it behind yourself.If you can comprehend what I want to say,you won't need to need 100 of self-help books to save you ass out.Screw-Up is a nice thing.It teaches you a lot of things you should do.Moreover,it teaches you a lot more things you shouldn't do.People get real busy in their life and they forget the purpose why God sent them down.Not to hold the Remote or ask women their age or cry like sissies over government policies.God sent us down to fuck and get screwed.None of the two(Read:Fuck and Screw)are meant literal here.Just a whorical metaphor.People buy furniture.They tell themselves,this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa,then for a couple years they're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least they've got their sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes.The rug.Then they're trapped in their lovely nest,and the things they used to own,now they own them.I am a plain guy with little brain and real bad sense of humor but I do what I gotta do.Even if that means getting a li'l screwed.For thousands of years,human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet,and now history expected me to clean up after everyone.Not only me,but everyone.I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans. And account for every drop of used motor oil.And I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born.But as I said I do what I gotta do.So I will clean all the crap,which means cleaning half of people's fucking nut-like brains which holds nothing but images of lying-on-sofa chicks from Naughty America to My best friend's sister.It also means slogging out hours in the library to sustain my ass on this crap-world.It also means spending time with people I don't wanna be with but just because my being with them will make someone happy and fill their shit-brain with things which are in no way shitty,I spend time with assholes.Real big ones.So in a nutshell:The Rules of Life:

* 1.A lot of things can happen
* 2.All of these can kill you
* 3.So Don't panic.

We're designed to be hunters and we're in a society of shopping.There's nothing to kill anymore,there's nothing to fight,nothing to overcome,nothing to explore.In that societal emasculation this everyman is created.Amen.

I see bad things.

"Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days"
- Kevin Costner as Crash Davis - Bull Durham.

Life teaches everyone everything.You start with the good things first.When you are born you learn to say 'PAPA' and 'MA'.Then one day you learn to walk.You learn the alphabets.Then the numbers.The square.The triangles.The pythagorus theorem.One day you learn V=IxR.The you learn Organic Chemistry.The Biot-Savart Law.Then the better things start:You learn to kiss.To love.To make friends.To have girlfriends.And one day the bad things fix inside your head:To hate.To fake.To fuck.To lie.Detest.Ditch.And by the time you realize it's enough,you are too late to go back to the good lessons.You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went.You swear and curse the fate.But when it comes to the end,you have to let it go.But everyone learns something which becomes their identity.Inside each and every one of us is our one,true authentic swing.Something we were born with.Something that's ours and ours alone.Something that can't be learned.Something that's got to be remembered.The one thing you will always love about yourself,no matter how bad you become.The one thing which will make you believe in your soul that whatever you do is right.

I see the worst in people.I see what they don't see in themselves,just like the bad things other see in me,which I don't see in myself.I try to learn again.Learn the good lessons.But I give up.Being good is tough.But being good from being bad is tougher.I hope to get up one morning in my small 1x1 bed,I used to sleep on when I was an year old.I want to start from start.I want to sleep without hate in my head.I want to sleep thinking how Ice-lollies would taste after school the next day.I want to be confused about how children are born.I want to wonder about why do people in 12th standard look so tensed during exams.I want to go back in time.I want to be a character of Star Wars.I want to fly in space,somewhere no one would see bad in me.Somewhere I won't see bad in people.Somewhere I will be again taught squares and rectangles.Somewhere I won't have a lot to think about.Somewhere I won't have a lot to write about.Somewhere.

Vibrators/Giving Head/The Bend/Porn-watching-chicks

'Why did got create man?Because Vibrators can't mow lawns.'
-MADONNA(In Dangerous Game,1993)

I don't like Madonna in general,but when dumb people speak wisdom I tend to love them.Mind it,I Tend to,I don't actually do.I don't mean to be personal or bad-witted but I think all women are good-Good for nothing.But trust me they know the absolute real shit.They know how to get things done,even when it's actually not possible.People ask me how do women succeed in life by just being optimistic about that thing?They also ask what drives their success?I say the word is BEND.All they need is one bend.One bend in front of their boss,their colleagues or their whatsoever/whosoever.Don't misjudge the power of this Bend.It's not the samurai/Japanese/Zen/Asians Bend.It's called the 'Coup de grace'-Bend.Men are already wounded creatures and all they need to end their sorrows is one look at the forbidden.For example,consider a situation where the boss is working some finance shit on his laptop.The lady employee enters the cabin and says "Sir,I wanted a leave this weekend",followed by a bend in front of the boss.Now at that instant of the bend,the laptop's screen shifts to the forbidden place.The boss stares at the 'screen' for 3 seconds rating the thing as awesome and grants her leave.Now this was a very hypothetical situation but shit like this happens.I swear.

George Carolin thinks women have,on average,higher IQ than men.His source is this.I wonder how do people actually come up with these results.Do they actually monitor chicks watching porn for over 6 months,see the IQ growth and present the abstract for their weird hypothesis or whatever on some low-traffic sites where no one but jobless people like me click and go?Men on the other hand are really kewl 'Nigga-like' creatures.They think with their head'.Look with their head.Say with their head.But if there's one thing they can do anything for,it's a good HEAD.My report-"On average,Men are more stupid than Women."In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.Anyway there is no point wondering about the hows and whys of Men ,and especially Women.

God made us this way because he wanted to put suspense into our lives.Or maybe,he is just monitoring us like the above mentioned researchers(read:Who monitor porn-watching-chicks) to see how we react during adversities.The battle of sexes is everlasting and it will always be about petty things like 1)Why men can read maps better than women 2)Why can't men use the Coup de grace Bend for their success 3)Why do jobless people like me have to slog out hours criticizing women and etc etc.By the way Men can read maps,better than women because only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.Awesomeness simplified.

DISCLAIMER
I am sorry if my post hurts sentiments of either sex.I am also sorry to the so-called weaker sex for telling everyone about the secret of their success(Read:The BEND).Everything in this post has been written just for humor purpose and bear no resemblance to characteristics of any sex,weak or strong.And now,as I have written the Disclaimer,I can't be sued even if I meant every single pie I mentioned.