//The Screw//

"The ozone hole over the Antarctic may soon set the record as being the world's biggest. This is the first year that the world's biggest hole will not be a head of state."
-Rick Mercer(Unsourced).

Before I catch my pace and stat writing actual shit,let me tell you some very basic cliche's of life.A lot of people say Life is a bitch.To be very frank,it ain't so.In fact,Life is a son of bitch.So lesson one:When you want to put more emotions into something/someone which really sucks,add "Son of a-".You can use this as a prefix over any fucking word(preferably Noun).God made us this way(as in,The way I am)because he knew we are one bunch of goat-fuckers.He knew that we would get horny every 15 minutes and so he added other things on this planet to keep us busy.Like,he gave us TV thinking that we would watch about Global Warming and do things which ain't related to sex.But,we goat-fuckers spend a week fighting over a fucking venue for IPL and another week staring at Chicks from Midnight Hot with one hand over TV remote and the other over our Remote.But god sees it all,and the moment you think you are about to get to the critical phase,either the Power goes off or the FTV broadcast.So lesson number two:God knows it all.And so god manipulates things which he doesn't like.For example,Le Rêve (painting) which is a Picasso painting that purportedly would have sold for a record price had its owner,Steve Wynn,not accidentally poked a hole in it.The fact is,God didn't like the panting and he made Steve Wynn do the poke.So love god and trust god in everything you do.God is the Big Brother.He even watches when the government makes policies to satisfy their sadistic tendencies.And he even watches when couples go to some sad corner of the city to 'attach' themselves.And also,when you are pissing in the bathroom and waiting for the last 3 drops to fall in the pot.But God has a brain which stimulates upon our stupidity,so howmuchever you try,the last 3 drops are gonna leak inside your pants.

When it comes to the government-talk I can't forget mentioning about George Bush.He is also one son-of-a-Bi**h.Some people say the glass is half full.Others say it's half empty.George W Bush says 'It's my glass.Step away from my glass, or I'll break it and cut you with the glass'.George W. Bush... he'll cut ya.Anyway,lets move onto the next lesson which deals with women.I know that girls reading this blog will think I am some sadist fucking guy.But I am the voice of the god.*Chuckles*.I speak what I have learned from life and so let me tell you about "Guess-My-Age" Paradox.I don't need to tell you anything about this paradox,'cause you people are very smart to infer what do I mean by Age+chicks.To be more clear ask a chick her age and you will reach the conclusion.The woman who tells her correct age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.Don't ever ask a woman her age unless you really wanna crush your relationship with her under an elephant's leg.And if you think she's lying,don't give her any form of suggestion or advice.Lesson number three:Don't give a woman an advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. And yeah,Women love Numbers.Women have a passion for mathematics.They divide their age in half,double the price of their clothes,and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.For all the guys reading this,if you wanna hit on some girl,Hit on a girl/woman atleast 5 years older than you.Experience comes with age.And girls are judged by the experience they have had.Experience off the record.*Chuckles and falls down*.

And now as we have discussed about the most fatal thing,let's move onto something everyone experiences atleast once in his/her life.In layman's language it's called a SCREW.Not this screw,but the screw you get up your ass when you expect something and get something else.After this phase of life people tend to get all Robin Sharma.They start speaking spirituality and philosophy and this is what I call 'Everything's Screwed Up Syndrome' or more comfortably The ESUS.I know it sounds like Jesus but trust me this is the last thing you will want to co-relate with him.There are many factors which lead to this syndrome,for example,more has been screwed up on the battlefield and misunderstood in the Pentagon because of a lack of understanding of the English language than any other single factor.If people begin to realize that ESUS is just another bad phase of life there won't be any trouble in the world.US thinks they are screwed up,so they bomb.Taliban thinks they are screwed,so they bomb again.And this gets onto become a vicious circle.If US and Taliban realize that they both are screwed up,simultaneously,there won't be any bombings.They need to accept that when difficult times come,what we must do is to raise our faces,take a deep breath and say in full words:now we´re screwed.My story as an ESUS guy started as a kid.I was lousy in school.Real screwed up.A moron.I was antisocial and didn't bother with the other kids.A really bad student.I didn't have any brains.I didn't know what I was doing there.But then I realized and accepted it wholeheartedly that "Ok,today ain't my day.Maybe tomorrow".That's why I became so smart.*Chuckles again*.People need to become like me.Dumb but smart.Ironic but true.Sometimes things work out on the golf course and sometimes they don't.Life will go on.You try to understand what happens, but maybe today you don't want to know.You just screwed up so maybe you should just put it behind yourself.If you can comprehend what I want to say,you won't need to need 100 of self-help books to save you ass out.Screw-Up is a nice thing.It teaches you a lot of things you should do.Moreover,it teaches you a lot more things you shouldn't do.People get real busy in their life and they forget the purpose why God sent them down.Not to hold the Remote or ask women their age or cry like sissies over government policies.God sent us down to fuck and get screwed.None of the two(Read:Fuck and Screw)are meant literal here.Just a whorical metaphor.People buy furniture.They tell themselves,this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa,then for a couple years they're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least they've got their sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes.The rug.Then they're trapped in their lovely nest,and the things they used to own,now they own them.I am a plain guy with little brain and real bad sense of humor but I do what I gotta do.Even if that means getting a li'l screwed.For thousands of years,human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet,and now history expected me to clean up after everyone.Not only me,but everyone.I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans. And account for every drop of used motor oil.And I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born.But as I said I do what I gotta do.So I will clean all the crap,which means cleaning half of people's fucking nut-like brains which holds nothing but images of lying-on-sofa chicks from Naughty America to My best friend's sister.It also means slogging out hours in the library to sustain my ass on this crap-world.It also means spending time with people I don't wanna be with but just because my being with them will make someone happy and fill their shit-brain with things which are in no way shitty,I spend time with assholes.Real big ones.So in a nutshell:The Rules of Life:

* 1.A lot of things can happen
* 2.All of these can kill you
* 3.So Don't panic.

We're designed to be hunters and we're in a society of shopping.There's nothing to kill anymore,there's nothing to fight,nothing to overcome,nothing to explore.In that societal emasculation this everyman is created.Amen.