define:Inglorious Bastard

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a Blowjob, no matter how bad it is."
-Barbara Bush,Former US First Lady(And you thought Barbara didn't have a sense of humor)


On my long, bone shaking journey of life, which has been like a school bus, with three adults squished into a bench seat originally designed for two schoolchildren, my solace has been listening to music and audio books on my i Pod. I have the tracks on random shuffle, so I have no idea which of the 4000 songs or chapters will come on, and I always run a personal contest for the most bizarre combination of audio and visual sensations this throws up. Tied at the tip of the charts is a chapter of 'The History of Womanhood' concerning the 7th century arguments between monks from Iona and the followers of Augustine about the shape of their tonsures, which I have heard a million times while driving through the Cafe7 on GM Road and Groove Armada's 'Shaking That Ass' on an unmade track through Prado's east side showroom in Noida. By the way as I have mentioned 'The history of womanhood' let me tell you something I have inferred from my million listenings of a particular stanza. The whole idea of men creating perfect robot women for their own pleasure,it happens every day.The most beautiful women you see in public,none of them are for real.They're just men perpetuating their perverted stereotypes of women.Just the oldest story in the world.There's a penis on every page of Cosmopolitan magazine if you know where to look.Another inference from some unknown source is that people fail to,in fact they don't want to accept they are dumb fucks.I know some people personally who think they are the greatest philosophers since Adam died and they speak shit like "There's a fine line between genius and insanity". ut ask me,I don't think there's a fine line,I actually think there's a yawning gulf.You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

Anyway one o' my friends recommended I should watch some new crime related TV show.He said it helps keep your Grey cells ticking even when you want them to be still.I was overwhelmed by his suggestion, went home and downloaded the fucking entire series of CSI. And trust me I think CSI: Miami is the worst fucking thing that's ever happened to the planet earth.I think it's worse than the AIDS epidemic of the early 90's.More weirdly I was just surfing around on NY Times when I read this unusual stuff that a few American Asshole brains were thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped, you can track them on Google.But what if that technology fails? Well here is my solution:next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator.Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can.By the way I have a lot of friends.Not exactly friends-friends, but yeah people who I think are kind-of friends.Some of them are just like me.Others, married.Lots of my friends have babies,but I don't have any babies, but I have lots of friends - babies don't have any friends.They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wire-tapping.One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises, gonna crawl out of the window and go to have Beer. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with.Just to screw with my subconscious.It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no-one to talk to.

I remember going to a park near the city hall around the corner near HCL head office,where two dogs were humping that looked very different from each other.One was brown and white and kind of big with long hair and the other was a little tiny black dog.It made me wonder if these fucking dogs have so much of understanding why people can’t be more accepting of each other.So what if I like to go to the park and watch dogs fuck.People should be willing to accept me as an awesome observer.People hate to accept me.More appropriately they fail to accept me.I agree and I hate this fact that I am a very immature guy and add to it,my atheism.Being an atheist is tough.It makes it really hard to be polite, especially after someone next to you sneezes.All right that's something I can't help but being immature at 21?? Come on, at what age will I finally be mature enough to keep a straight face when someone says,"Hi,how ya doin'? My name is Dick." Then there are people who try to fascinate me with new facts.Most of those facts are weird ones,and highly paradoxical.Like they always try to convince me to save the Apes by telling me we are so much like them that we share 99.9% of the same DNA.That’s true, but, we also share 60% of the same DNA as many fruits and vegetables. That worries me.Who is going to save us when those monkeys find out we are almost 60% banana.I don’t really like the idea of being peeled by an orangutan.

I love MySpace,and nowadays Facebook is superclose to taking that favorites title in my list.And all credit for it goes to my brother,he got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace:"No, no, no.You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both.But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace.The best thing, still more than 300 friends.Most of them weird though.But they ain't the ones to be blamed.People in general are weird.Fucking retards.I saw this on CNN a few days ago.In Florida these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 11 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade.HE WAS EATING A PEAR.How do you fuck that up?Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" *throws pear* "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR".

P.S-Even though I am a hardcore Atheist.(I was an agnostic an year and a half back), I say 'God bless you' when someone sneezes.I never say 'bless you'. Do you want to know why? Because I'm not the Lord!I can't do that.I'm just a messenger for the big guns up stairs.And I never say gesundheit, who even says that? GESUNDHEIT! I felt like I'm honoring Hitler or something, Like I'll end up on the History Channel because someone sneezed.

That woman was God.Or,was it Devil?

I had a very weird dream last night.It was very vague and highly unpolitical and unsocial and immoral and shitfull but yeah it was an awesome weird dream.I saw that I was sniffing coke somewhere in Los Angeles with Shyla Stylez on my left and Jenna Jameson on my right playfully messing with my hair.A minute later Kanye West lands down from his helicopter and shoots me down for stealing his coke.I went to heaven and I see a woman standing with a placard outside.Did you ever think God's a woman?.She says,"Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven."I'm like,"What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fucking where!" "All right,now you are getting the hang of it.Oh,yeah,I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates?You wanna tap that?They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding.You aren't in heaven,you're in hell.HuHaHaHa.You've been punk'd.Booooom."The devil shoots me with a laser gun.

Moral:I am gonna be a Douchebag even after I am dead.

I am America.A compulsive obsession.

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."
-TIME Magazine,September of '86

I love lying.I love it even when I don't need to lie.I lie even when I don't want to.It has become some kind of Obsessive-Compulsive-Habit.My mom says lying is bad, but,I am helpless.The world is a small place to live.Smaller to lie.You end up getting caught somehow,someday.But I personally feel that lying makes you sharper,keeps your grey cells stimulated 24x7 and makes sure you are always on your toes.Deceiving is an art and I respect people who seem to have mastered it.One of them is The great Osama Bin Laden.In eight years,we couldn't find Osama bin Laden,but in those years we nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall.The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall,but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.He is an awesome fuckup and I respect him for all he did to hold Bush's balls for so many years.US needs to think of something else,something innovative,something unconventional to hold Osama's balls now.Next time a country wants to take USA on,instead of sending bombs,they should try this:send everyone in the country a color television and a satellite dish.And give them the basic package,not HBO — screw those people.And before the war starts,make them all sit down."Okay,we'll go to war with you.You want a piece of us,fine,fine.Before we go,I want you guys to understand us a little better,and so for that you have to sit down and watch ESPN for 12 hours and Discovery-US special edition for next 12 hours.'Cause you watch ESPN for a full day,you're gonna understand America a lot better.'Hi,we're America! We build monster trucks for fun!We developed the top fuel dragster-zero to three hundred thirty miles an hour in under five seconds,cause,pfft,we were bored.Piss us off,heh,and see what we build!And we may feel bad about it later!Ask Japan.But before we feel bad...we're gonna jack you up!And then we're gonna send you FOOD! 'Cause we're America; we're schizophrenic.Don't mess with a nation that needs medication!'"

George bush/Kill that bitch/Teach a man fishing.

"Give a man a fish,tomorrow he's gonna want another fish.Teach a man to fish, tomorrow,he's standin' next to you on the dock catchin' your fish.Kill the man.Chop him to bits.Tomorrow,you got bait.Don't make a friend.Make him your chum."

- Peeing on Stonehenge

~~~~~~~>TODAY'S LECTURE IS ON TWO MOST CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS IN HUMAN MANKIND<~~~~~~~~

1.George Bush:

George Bush has fucked up so bad,he made it hard for a white man to run for president.People are like "give me a black man,a white woman,a giraffe,a zebra...anything but another white man.That last one fucked up my roof!".Even though Obama might be in,but George Bush is still in charge.And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush.You think you don't give a fuck?George Bush doesn't give a fuck either.Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush.If you were hanging from a cliff,getting ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff,and all you needed was a fuck to save your life,and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one."Hey, Bush,I need a fuck!" "Oh,you know I don't give a fuck.Here's a fuck...psych!"I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room.Trust me,Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room,Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson.Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video.All to get your mind off the war.Bush lied to me,they all lied to me:"We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth.They're the most dangerous regime in the world."If they're so dangerous,how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit.Man,you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.Anyway I respect this man.I respect him for fucking up the entire USA without any trace.Also for fucking WTC,a 110 floor,417 metres buliding.You gotta respect someone with so much balls.And Sorry,I forgot the Iraq part,for that as well.


2.Women:

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.They say that women are too judgmental,where,of course,men are just grateful.I wonder why don't we have people with such mentality in here.Anyway there ain't any point pondering over women.I have spent fucking 21 years of my life to sort out what women want.All in vain,though.And trust me,if I were to write a thesis on 'What Women Want',I wouldn't make it to more than 100 words.A bunch of girls say,"You don't need no man to help you raise no child"…shut the fuck up with the bullshit.Yeah,you could do it without a man,but that doesn't mean it's to be done.Shit,you can drive a car with your feet if you want to,but that doesn't make it a good fucking idea.Also,very importantly,Women hate women.You get any two girlfriends in this room,been girlfriends for twenty five years,you put a man in between them…"fuck that bitch", "fuck that bitch."Guys are not like that.Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea,and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend,and when they walk away,this boy goes, "Oh man, she's nice,I gotta get me a girl like that."If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend,and they walk away,her girlfriend goes,"I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it."Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.Ask any girl what she'd rather be than beautiful,and she'll say more beautiful.Women will be women.No denying the fact.But I really respect women for whatever they are.I respect it when they say they love my blog and also when they call me at their house-warming parties.I also respect some of them for the fact that they do my assignments,especially when I have to watch some new episode of LOST or Boston Legal(They don't know it about though :P)

I WAS.

X asked him “What is 43x16?” and started counting,”1,2,3..”. ”688” came a spooky reply even before X could say 4.X took a deep breath and said “And 37x34?”.And he counted again,”1,2,3..”.”1258”,it came out again.X just stood there for a minute staring blankly at the boy,as if he was expecting the boy to say something,but the boy was still calculating things in his head.X went home and spent an year with numbers.An year alone with Numbers.Speaking with them,eating with them,and even sleeping with them.An year later he went to the boy and said “Ask me anything”.The boy said “What is 67x23?”.The boy started the count,”1,2..”.”1541”,X replied.X looked at the boy’s mouth ,which was bent in way as if the boy wanted to say Three but couldn't.X smiled.He then said,”I beat you by a second”.The boy said “Ask me something now”.X said,”What is 43x27”.It was X’s time to count and he said,”1,..”.”1161”,he said,in just under 2 seconds, “I beat you by something which will never let you win against me.Are you sad?”.”I was”,X replied and went to sleep.With numbers.

Forest Gump/The train accident/I wish.

Jenny Curran: Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest?
Forrest Gump: I sit next to them in my Home Economics class all the time.

-Forest Gump.

Had Jenny Curran asked me if I have ever been with a girl,I would have said"What do ya' mean by 'have been with a girl'??Like going out with her?Eating Ice-creams with dirty flavors which I would never have eaten had I not wanted to go out?Going to beaches with different names and see the same sun go down under the ocean?Buying wall painting with setting sun and village girls filling water?Gifting her things I would never have bought had I not wanted a midnight kiss?Finding puppies super-cute?feeding a cat just 'cause it gives you blank hungry stares?Or do ya' mean,been around with loads of girls?As in went to watch movies in groups of 10 guys and 10 girls?having coffee in CCD with them without anything going on in head?or,as in studied with them just before the exams?".Jenny would have called me a Dumbfuck,slapped me and left by then.But its better to sort out the confusion than speaking bullshit.So look,even though I got a slap,I am smarter than Forest Gump,the guy,who had been a football star,and a war hero,and a national celebrity,and a shrimpin' boat captain,and a college graduate.A movie star too.

I was reading an article on The Hindu,in which a guy came under a fast moving train in some district of Kerala.Now Kerala has got the highest literacy rate,and even if it had the lowest literacy rate,how the-how the heck do you get hit by a train!I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack you at the last minute or something. There's like a railroad there to give you,you know,a HEADS UP SIGN.I tell you,if you ever gonna get hit by a train,do this:Keep your eyes open and take 5 steps forward.Then look at some guy standing at the door of the train and say "Hey boy,look I just saved my ass".Simple,ain't it?.

Anyway my Lab exams are over and for a change,they went awesome.Ok,I know I sound a little retarded and very dumb on my blog but I used to be a nerd once upon a time.And moreover I still can be a nerd,but I don't see any point slogging for hours and burning midnight oil for just a few extra marks.I see these people studying one month before the exams and managing 95 in all subjects.But then I convince myself that I study for 2 days and manage a 75,so if I study for a month I will break all the fucking GPA records(Simple Ratio-Proportion funda),will become a gold medalist in my college,get a scholarship from Illinois and will move onto become the next Bill Gates and then open up some trust for poor guys qround the world,and when I am about to die I will marry some Playboy chick.Don't pity at my jerk-ness.I told you I sound a little retarded on my blog but I am smarter than Forest Gump.Only if everyone understood me,the world would be a better place to live.Awesome place,infact.

Welcome to my world,Bitch.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land"
- Ernesto 'Ché' Guevara

I know only 4 things about the day I was born.First,it was 7th september 1987.Second,I was born inside Room no.17,Extensive Maternal Wards in a hospital on the Guwahati airport,where my parents were supposed to catch a flight from.Third,I was born 18 days pre-maturely.And last,I wasn't supposed to be born so soon.I hate being born 18 days earlier than I was supposed too.My sunsign would have been Libra,if I were born at the time I was supposed too.I would have been more balanced than I am now.My ruling planet would have been Venus,the planet which screws me up most nowadays.And moreover my birthdate would have been 25th september.A date I would have shared with my 6 friends,that includes my first crush Ankita Jaiswal,who is currently pursuing Honours in Economics from some awesome college in London.I would have also shared the date with Chris Owen,Catherine Zeta Jones and Will Smith.My sunsign doped me with many things I hate in me,now.Like,I hate going to places.I find it highly discomforting to get my bum off my chair,pack clothes and doing other formalities.I feel there are many ways of seeing the world.You can hang upside down from a meteor,volunteer to be the fourth stage of a three-stage rocket,or simply get in a balloon and keep going.But if it's sheer,unadulterated discomfort you're looking for,just stay on land.Even more,people I usually encounter in my life are very witty,speak equivocally and very ambiguously.For example,Take Rusty Kohli.This guy is one of my awesomest friends but also one of the jerkiest.He loves talking shit.Pure-awesome shit.Last time I went home,he told me I was like the first breath of spring.Well,he didn't exactly put it that way.He said I looked like the end of a long,hard winter.Now guys like him are "ass"-ets in your life.These guys come in the category of bong-smoking,American accent-bashing,flag-burning,yoga-posing,incense-burning,dolphin-saving,salmon-eating hypocrites.These are the sensitive,liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression,unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.He does drugs,and infact,32% of people I know,do too.I ask them "Tell me,what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?",they say,"Well, it intensifies your personality."I say,"Yes, but what if you're an asshole?".They don't talk to me for a week after that.But when you have to deal with it,you deal with it.

I hate statistics.Infact,I hate everything that has graphs and bars in it.Even,percentages and ratios.I am not interested in statistics that tell me things are not as bad as they seem.Things are horrible.I have met people crying about what is happening,but there is no solution yet.Everyone is trying to say something but there ain't anyone to listen.I hate statistics,absolutely.God once had Bach and Michelangelo on his side,he had Mozart,and now who does he have?People with ginger whiskers and tinted spectacles who reduce the glories of theology to a kind of sharing,but God is fine with it and expects us to be fine too.

By the way,I have decided that when I grow old,very old I will write a letter to my dad:"I want a young,21 years old chick,Dad.I want somebody to love me. I wanna to be free again.I wanna walk in the backyard on the grass.I wanna put my bare feet in the ocean.I wanna run along the sand and feel it on my feet.I wanna stand up in the shower with the hot water streaming down my legs,in the morning... I wanna explode, Dad.I wanna get out of this fucking body I'm in.I wanna be a man again...I just wanna be a man again.".Anyway I have got a treat today.Weekend-treats are awesome.Especially,if the menu includes Sizzlers and Budweiser.Chalo then Catch ya'll later after my alcoholic-session.Muaaah.

Awesomer/Chacha/Bored/Osho/Kingfisher Guy.

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look,I fuck like you wanna fuck,I am smart, capable,and most importantly,I am free in all the ways that you are not.
-Tyler Durden,Fight Club.


Today is an awesome day.Infact,after 4 pints of Budweiser anyday becomes an awesome day.This light,floating and orgasmic feeling should never go from life.I feel as if some really amazing thing is impending.Maybe some chick will call me tonight and say "Oh,you are such an awesome guy,Wanna check out my flat?" or Maybe I'll get a call from someone saying that "You remember Mr.X?You met him last summer in the Kingfisher you were flying.He thought you were awesomer(WTF Word) than Chuck Norris and so Mr.X has left a hug will named after you".But,this ain't me writing all this.It is the Budweiser-soul inside me.And so the reader's discretion is highly advised.

Anyway my day started on a sad note.I bunked my DSP lecture and now I have a fucking-amazing 12 bunks in it.But Chacha(Read:BK Singh-Our lecturer) is a real cool guy with a geezer accent and even sarcastic and mind-fucking tone.But in the end all that matters is that he is a cool guy.And so I can even bunk 12 more classes and he won't fucking mind a bit.But I have learned from thousand of TV Ads and newspaper articles that "Use Protection".So I ain't gonna bunk anymore classes.

I am bored of this place and want some chaste boombazzle to happen here in Manipal.For a hundred years or more this place,our place,has been dying.And not one guy,in these last hundred years or so,has been crazy enough to put a bomb up the asshole of creation and set it off.This place is rotting away,dying piecemeal.But it needs the coup de grace,it needs to be blown to smithereens.Not one of us is intact, and yet we have in us all the continents and the seas between the continents and the birds of the air.We are going to put it down-the evolution of this place which has died but which has not been buried.I think I sound like OSHO when I try to speak some spiritual shit.Oh,OSHO.I so love him.He is one awesome guy too.This is what he said when asked about his celibacy ideas-"Whenever I meet prostitutes,they never speak of sex.They inquire about the soul,and about God.I also meet many ascetics and monks, and whenever we are alone they ask about nothing but sex.I was surprised to learn that ascetics, who are always preaching against sex, seem to be captivated by it.They are curious about it and disturbed by it;they have this mental complex about it, yet they sermonize about religion and about the animal instincts in man.And sex is so natural."Wrong people asking wrong things.Told you guys,he's awesome.He talks about everything.From the 'S' word to the 'L' word.

I think I have blabbered a lot for today.I have to finish watching another season of 24 tonight.So Ciao.By the way I am getting a call from some unknown number right now and I have this real feeling that it's that Kingfisher guy's lawyer. ;)

'I' is a Dumb Fuck.

"FUCK YOU".Well,fuck you,too.Fuck me,fuck you,fuck this whole city and everyone in it.Fuck the teachers,the preachers,the colleagues and friends.Fuck the jobless.Fuck those with the job.If you don't get a normal job,get a fucking job! Fuck the Talibanis and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs,curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day.Terrorists in fucking training.SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps.Fuck the Scousers sucking up Rafa's cock going down on each other in their parks and on their piers,jingling their dicks on ESPN and Star Sports.Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic."Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?"Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach.Mobster thugs sitting in exotic cafes,sipping tea in little glasses,sugar cubes between their teeth.Wheelin'and dealin' and schemin'.Go back where you fucking came from.Fuck the black-hatted Mr.X who comes in my dreams and tell me I am good for nothing.Fuck the SOB's in Nepal Border selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers.Self-styled masters of the universe Send those Enron ans Satyam And Drexel Burnhams assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that Enron shit?Give me a fucking break! Tyco!Worldcom!Fuck the guys and chicks I have known all my life.20 to a car,swelling up the welfare rolls,worst fuckin' parade in the world.And don't even get me started on the Whom I actually always hated.They made others look good.Fuck the Italians with their pomaded hair,their nylon warm-up suits,their St. Anthony medallions,swinging their,Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger,baseball bats,trying to audition for the Sopranos.Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-Ruppee Balducci artichokes.Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny.You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart!Fuck the uptown brothers.They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man on the stands.Slavery ended sixty-fucking-two years ago in country.Move the fuck on!Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence.You betray our trust! And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville,J!Fuck Osama Bin Laden,Al Qaeda,and backward-ass,cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Indian ass! Fuck Aditya Sharma, whining malcontent.Fuck Aditya Rudraksh my best friend,judging me while he stares at someone else's gf's ass. Fuck Diya Agarwal,I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, fucking bitch. Fuck Rusty with his endless grief,standing behind that bar in some cheap Delhi shop sipping on club sodas,selling whisky to friends,cheering Bayern Munich.Fuck this whole world and everyone in it.From the row-houses of Manipal to the penthouses on Park Avenue,from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it let the fires rage,let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.No.No,fuck you,Fuck myself.I am such a poor sadist fucker.I had it all, and I threw it away,me dumb fuck!

Dostoyevski On A Roller-Coaster.

I would never do crack...I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
-Denis Leary(Comedy Central,March 2006)

Jenna Jameson(The awesomest Porno-Queen) thinks that 'making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent of trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster.'Now while saying this she didn't describe what kind of rough sex she was referring to.As in,as per her standards or ours?And moreover A normal person like me(I am Normal)can't think of reading Dostoyevski even while bumped on a Bean-Bag.How can she fucking exaggerate the facts by placing the entire scenario on a Roller-Coaster?But I just realized that she is Jenna Jameson.If she can suck it awesomely being upside down,she,for sure has the right to exaggerate.

//The Screw//

"The ozone hole over the Antarctic may soon set the record as being the world's biggest. This is the first year that the world's biggest hole will not be a head of state."
-Rick Mercer(Unsourced).

Before I catch my pace and stat writing actual shit,let me tell you some very basic cliche's of life.A lot of people say Life is a bitch.To be very frank,it ain't so.In fact,Life is a son of bitch.So lesson one:When you want to put more emotions into something/someone which really sucks,add "Son of a-".You can use this as a prefix over any fucking word(preferably Noun).God made us this way(as in,The way I am)because he knew we are one bunch of goat-fuckers.He knew that we would get horny every 15 minutes and so he added other things on this planet to keep us busy.Like,he gave us TV thinking that we would watch about Global Warming and do things which ain't related to sex.But,we goat-fuckers spend a week fighting over a fucking venue for IPL and another week staring at Chicks from Midnight Hot with one hand over TV remote and the other over our Remote.But god sees it all,and the moment you think you are about to get to the critical phase,either the Power goes off or the FTV broadcast.So lesson number two:God knows it all.And so god manipulates things which he doesn't like.For example,Le Rêve (painting) which is a Picasso painting that purportedly would have sold for a record price had its owner,Steve Wynn,not accidentally poked a hole in it.The fact is,God didn't like the panting and he made Steve Wynn do the poke.So love god and trust god in everything you do.God is the Big Brother.He even watches when the government makes policies to satisfy their sadistic tendencies.And he even watches when couples go to some sad corner of the city to 'attach' themselves.And also,when you are pissing in the bathroom and waiting for the last 3 drops to fall in the pot.But God has a brain which stimulates upon our stupidity,so howmuchever you try,the last 3 drops are gonna leak inside your pants.

When it comes to the government-talk I can't forget mentioning about George Bush.He is also one son-of-a-Bi**h.Some people say the glass is half full.Others say it's half empty.George W Bush says 'It's my glass.Step away from my glass, or I'll break it and cut you with the glass'.George W. Bush... he'll cut ya.Anyway,lets move onto the next lesson which deals with women.I know that girls reading this blog will think I am some sadist fucking guy.But I am the voice of the god.*Chuckles*.I speak what I have learned from life and so let me tell you about "Guess-My-Age" Paradox.I don't need to tell you anything about this paradox,'cause you people are very smart to infer what do I mean by Age+chicks.To be more clear ask a chick her age and you will reach the conclusion.The woman who tells her correct age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.Don't ever ask a woman her age unless you really wanna crush your relationship with her under an elephant's leg.And if you think she's lying,don't give her any form of suggestion or advice.Lesson number three:Don't give a woman an advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. And yeah,Women love Numbers.Women have a passion for mathematics.They divide their age in half,double the price of their clothes,and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.For all the guys reading this,if you wanna hit on some girl,Hit on a girl/woman atleast 5 years older than you.Experience comes with age.And girls are judged by the experience they have had.Experience off the record.*Chuckles and falls down*.

And now as we have discussed about the most fatal thing,let's move onto something everyone experiences atleast once in his/her life.In layman's language it's called a SCREW.Not this screw,but the screw you get up your ass when you expect something and get something else.After this phase of life people tend to get all Robin Sharma.They start speaking spirituality and philosophy and this is what I call 'Everything's Screwed Up Syndrome' or more comfortably The ESUS.I know it sounds like Jesus but trust me this is the last thing you will want to co-relate with him.There are many factors which lead to this syndrome,for example,more has been screwed up on the battlefield and misunderstood in the Pentagon because of a lack of understanding of the English language than any other single factor.If people begin to realize that ESUS is just another bad phase of life there won't be any trouble in the world.US thinks they are screwed up,so they bomb.Taliban thinks they are screwed,so they bomb again.And this gets onto become a vicious circle.If US and Taliban realize that they both are screwed up,simultaneously,there won't be any bombings.They need to accept that when difficult times come,what we must do is to raise our faces,take a deep breath and say in full words:now we´re screwed.My story as an ESUS guy started as a kid.I was lousy in school.Real screwed up.A moron.I was antisocial and didn't bother with the other kids.A really bad student.I didn't have any brains.I didn't know what I was doing there.But then I realized and accepted it wholeheartedly that "Ok,today ain't my day.Maybe tomorrow".That's why I became so smart.*Chuckles again*.People need to become like me.Dumb but smart.Ironic but true.Sometimes things work out on the golf course and sometimes they don't.Life will go on.You try to understand what happens, but maybe today you don't want to know.You just screwed up so maybe you should just put it behind yourself.If you can comprehend what I want to say,you won't need to need 100 of self-help books to save you ass out.Screw-Up is a nice thing.It teaches you a lot of things you should do.Moreover,it teaches you a lot more things you shouldn't do.People get real busy in their life and they forget the purpose why God sent them down.Not to hold the Remote or ask women their age or cry like sissies over government policies.God sent us down to fuck and get screwed.None of the two(Read:Fuck and Screw)are meant literal here.Just a whorical metaphor.People buy furniture.They tell themselves,this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa,then for a couple years they're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least they've got their sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes.The rug.Then they're trapped in their lovely nest,and the things they used to own,now they own them.I am a plain guy with little brain and real bad sense of humor but I do what I gotta do.Even if that means getting a li'l screwed.For thousands of years,human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet,and now history expected me to clean up after everyone.Not only me,but everyone.I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans. And account for every drop of used motor oil.And I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born.But as I said I do what I gotta do.So I will clean all the crap,which means cleaning half of people's fucking nut-like brains which holds nothing but images of lying-on-sofa chicks from Naughty America to My best friend's sister.It also means slogging out hours in the library to sustain my ass on this crap-world.It also means spending time with people I don't wanna be with but just because my being with them will make someone happy and fill their shit-brain with things which are in no way shitty,I spend time with assholes.Real big ones.So in a nutshell:The Rules of Life:

* 1.A lot of things can happen
* 2.All of these can kill you
* 3.So Don't panic.

We're designed to be hunters and we're in a society of shopping.There's nothing to kill anymore,there's nothing to fight,nothing to overcome,nothing to explore.In that societal emasculation this everyman is created.Amen.

I see bad things.

"Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days"
- Kevin Costner as Crash Davis - Bull Durham.

Life teaches everyone everything.You start with the good things first.When you are born you learn to say 'PAPA' and 'MA'.Then one day you learn to walk.You learn the alphabets.Then the numbers.The square.The triangles.The pythagorus theorem.One day you learn V=IxR.The you learn Organic Chemistry.The Biot-Savart Law.Then the better things start:You learn to kiss.To love.To make friends.To have girlfriends.And one day the bad things fix inside your head:To hate.To fake.To fuck.To lie.Detest.Ditch.And by the time you realize it's enough,you are too late to go back to the good lessons.You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went.You swear and curse the fate.But when it comes to the end,you have to let it go.But everyone learns something which becomes their identity.Inside each and every one of us is our one,true authentic swing.Something we were born with.Something that's ours and ours alone.Something that can't be learned.Something that's got to be remembered.The one thing you will always love about yourself,no matter how bad you become.The one thing which will make you believe in your soul that whatever you do is right.

I see the worst in people.I see what they don't see in themselves,just like the bad things other see in me,which I don't see in myself.I try to learn again.Learn the good lessons.But I give up.Being good is tough.But being good from being bad is tougher.I hope to get up one morning in my small 1x1 bed,I used to sleep on when I was an year old.I want to start from start.I want to sleep without hate in my head.I want to sleep thinking how Ice-lollies would taste after school the next day.I want to be confused about how children are born.I want to wonder about why do people in 12th standard look so tensed during exams.I want to go back in time.I want to be a character of Star Wars.I want to fly in space,somewhere no one would see bad in me.Somewhere I won't see bad in people.Somewhere I will be again taught squares and rectangles.Somewhere I won't have a lot to think about.Somewhere I won't have a lot to write about.Somewhere.

Vibrators/Giving Head/The Bend/Porn-watching-chicks

'Why did got create man?Because Vibrators can't mow lawns.'
-MADONNA(In Dangerous Game,1993)

I don't like Madonna in general,but when dumb people speak wisdom I tend to love them.Mind it,I Tend to,I don't actually do.I don't mean to be personal or bad-witted but I think all women are good-Good for nothing.But trust me they know the absolute real shit.They know how to get things done,even when it's actually not possible.People ask me how do women succeed in life by just being optimistic about that thing?They also ask what drives their success?I say the word is BEND.All they need is one bend.One bend in front of their boss,their colleagues or their whatsoever/whosoever.Don't misjudge the power of this Bend.It's not the samurai/Japanese/Zen/Asians Bend.It's called the 'Coup de grace'-Bend.Men are already wounded creatures and all they need to end their sorrows is one look at the forbidden.For example,consider a situation where the boss is working some finance shit on his laptop.The lady employee enters the cabin and says "Sir,I wanted a leave this weekend",followed by a bend in front of the boss.Now at that instant of the bend,the laptop's screen shifts to the forbidden place.The boss stares at the 'screen' for 3 seconds rating the thing as awesome and grants her leave.Now this was a very hypothetical situation but shit like this happens.I swear.

George Carolin thinks women have,on average,higher IQ than men.His source is this.I wonder how do people actually come up with these results.Do they actually monitor chicks watching porn for over 6 months,see the IQ growth and present the abstract for their weird hypothesis or whatever on some low-traffic sites where no one but jobless people like me click and go?Men on the other hand are really kewl 'Nigga-like' creatures.They think with their head'.Look with their head.Say with their head.But if there's one thing they can do anything for,it's a good HEAD.My report-"On average,Men are more stupid than Women."In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.Anyway there is no point wondering about the hows and whys of Men ,and especially Women.

God made us this way because he wanted to put suspense into our lives.Or maybe,he is just monitoring us like the above mentioned researchers(read:Who monitor porn-watching-chicks) to see how we react during adversities.The battle of sexes is everlasting and it will always be about petty things like 1)Why men can read maps better than women 2)Why can't men use the Coup de grace Bend for their success 3)Why do jobless people like me have to slog out hours criticizing women and etc etc.By the way Men can read maps,better than women because only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.Awesomeness simplified.

DISCLAIMER
I am sorry if my post hurts sentiments of either sex.I am also sorry to the so-called weaker sex for telling everyone about the secret of their success(Read:The BEND).Everything in this post has been written just for humor purpose and bear no resemblance to characteristics of any sex,weak or strong.And now,as I have written the Disclaimer,I can't be sued even if I meant every single pie I mentioned.

Screw You.

Yeah it is for you only bitch.Screw you.Actually,screw you double hard.I ain't ever gonna think about you.Thanks for what ever fucking thing you did to me.Thanks for being such a careless fucking retard.And thanks for wasting 5 precious years of my life.Screw you triple hard.

Your 30 Seconds start now.

A pack of 20 Milds,a Kingfisher Blue and a Romanov Red for anyone who guesses within next 30 seconds what's fucking up my grey cells.I know it sounds sad but I am really sad.I feel as if someone has compressed me into a zip file and mailed me to some anonymous user 10000 miles away,who, when tries to unzip the file gets the message that the file is corrupted.Ok,so I am corrupted.And it is a very dull but sad conclusion.My life has become a complete chaos.I am just fucking up everything I am putting my hands into.

It was raining when I left the library.Everything was calm until I came to my room.And then like a spring-jack things started getting screwed up.The fan was moving slower than yesterday.The CFL wasn't as bright as it used to be.My class notes were missing.I was feeling sleepy by the time hour hand reached 11.My lighter got empty.I got some sore thing on my chest.I felt everyone hates me.I felt nobody loves me even though everybody pretend otherwise.The air was moist and the stars weren't shiny.Somebody called my name and said"You may have won this battle-but the war is far from over".And then I woke up.It was 19:30 and it was raining.I was all naked lying on my bed.The fan was moving as if it was it's last run.Faster and faster with every circle it did.The CFL shone like it was the only bright thing in the world.There were people who loved me.My class-notes were under my pillow.And I dint feel sleepy until I started writing this post.Things change.All for the good.

I remember that day very clearly.I was very sure I couldn't be wrong.And so I called her up.The phone rang 11 times before it got dead.I put it down and was retiring to the bed when it rang.It rang 11 times this side but I was all numb to get up and receive.I felt as if I was dead.I knew it was she.I was very sure I couldn't be wrong.And so I called her up.And then she picked it up and said "You may have won this battle-but the war is far from over".And it was then that I realized that this life is far from being simple for anyone to make sense out of.And I looked up at the ceiling.The fan was moving as if it was it's last run.The air was moist and the stars weren't shiny.And then I woke up.For one last time.To do one last thing.For one last person I ever loved in my life.Or will ever love again.

Everything is calm once again.There ain't any fan.The stars are dead.The air is damp.The sun is fucking up everyone and everything.A pack of 20 Milds,a Kingfisher Blue and a Romanov Red for anyone who guesses within next 30 seconds what's fucking up my grey cells.

The Twerp

I wonder how can someone be so twerp?But trust me,she can be,and that too without any extra fucking effort.She is the most imbecile person I have ever encountered in my life and I am pretty sure I am never going to see someone as ignoramus as her.She pretends to be very prudish but I really wonder if she's so chaste.Heights of arsing around man.Jerk.

Who the fuck said I can't get over things?

Well here I am again with a renewed and reviewed perspective and new priorities.I have got over things which were bugging me for a long time.I am not answerable to anyone now and I don't fucking care who says what about whom.I have realized that people who you want to be good choose the wrong way and become the biggest losers.Pretension is a vice and some people don't seem to realize it.They get this apprehensive feeling all the time and pretend to be happy when they are not and someone they can never be.Anyway there is no point brain-fucking about it as there is no point helping someone who can't help himself/herself.

By the way tomorrow is a big day for me and the red devils.Manchester United has taken an awesome lead over their nearest competitors Liverpool and with this pace and consistency no-one can stop them from a consecutive Premier league title win.Tomorrow is the Inter-Mission day.United is gonna play Inter Milan in less than 24 hours from now in the Champions League and I am expecting some pure kick-ass moments.I have a full day in the college tomorrow and I am hating every day of this 4 year 'Tour'ney in Manipal.I just want Einstein's relativity thing to work here so that time just flies by for me,as in,I sleep today and when I get up I am somewhere far from here.Somehwere where I don't see anyone I know.Where people don't understand what I speak and I can't make sense of a thing they say.

I have got to study for CAT now.Its less than 9 months now for the D-day.Placement scene is already screwed up here.All thanks to the recession.I just hope to make it too IIM somehow.Nice people.High intellectual capital.No manipal.What else can a guy in Manipal ask for.Yeah,the number of chicks there are gonna be less than that in Manipal but look for the optimism,there will be less brain-fucking.No screwed-up saturdays.No once-a-week-breakup-fights.No abusing.No answering to petty questions every moment.No meetings when I won't want to.I just hope this Manipal story comes to a nice end.Someone has said it very truly:"All's well that ends well."

I want to be a Full-stop.Right now.

My life has become a comma.A short interrupt command.I do things without actually realizing I am doing them.I sense but I don't feel.I am not alone but lonely.I am as good as ever but still bad like always.I miss people but I don't think about them when I should.I procrastinate things,even when I want to do them.I am torpid yet full of zeal.I am almost a full-stop but a comma yet.I like friends but I don't care about them.

There was this guy 'X' who asked me to arrange weed on last saturday,and even though I could have,I didn't.Not that I didn't want to,but I just couldn't.I am insecured about everything.I am hopeless.I have become an atheist.I want to pray but I just can't.There was also this girl 'Y' whom I love a lot but she thinks I don't love her.Then there are 3 other people 'A,B&C' who have been with me when I wanted them to be with me,but I just can't seem to be able to spend time with them.Then there is this professor in my college professor 'F' who is one of the biggest jerks I have ever seen in my life.An Ex-HOD by chance,he just can;t get words out of his mouth.He also makes a buzzing sound at the end of every word ending in 's',like he says "Letzz go and Kick some azz".I almost sleep in his class everyday but he doesn't notice and that bugs me even more.

I just want things to be fine.Once,for always.I want to go far from here.To some island with a bed,BeanBag,an I-pod and my Laptop.I want to watch the sunrise and sunset,both together.I want to see a butterfly.The same butterfly I saw 6 years back when I was playing with my best friends in Viceroy Garden.I want to meet all my good friends,present and previous,5 years from now in the same island.I want to listen to The all-American Rejects.I want to eat superhot Aaloo ka paratha with loads of butter on top of it.I want to see the butter melting and losing its existence.I want to smile when I see it losing.I want to co-relate myself with butter.I know it sounds funny,but the butter is the only thing I can come up with right now.I want to watch 'The Big Bang Theory'.I also want a date with 'Emmanuelle Chirqui'.I want to play.I want everything.I want to wakeup one day and see myself in the list of Forbe's richest people.I want to become big.I want to become more matured.I want to laugh like no-one ever can.No-one ever will.I want to laugh at myself.I want to laugh at everyone.I want to laugh when I am happy.I want to laugh when I am sad.I want to be free.I hate being a Comma.I want to be an Exclamation mark.I want to be a bird.I want to fly.I want to love and be loved.I want people to trust me.I want them to understand me.I want time to stop.I don't want to get tired.I want to stop time and walk to the island.I want to sleep.Sleep like a 6 month child.A 6 month girl preferably.I want to die.Right now.I want to be a full-stop Right now.Peace.

I am Somebody.

So here I am again.I am more powerful and determined now.Fixed as hell and firm as heaven.I can be happy without actual people.Without actual emotions.Without a laugh.Without a purpose.Without a reason.Without anyone.Without the right moment.Without any shame.Without any fucking retarded thing like the ones I mentioned above.I hate everyone right now.I am pissed 'cause I am missing people who loved me and I couldn't understand 'em.I am pissed 'cause I don't have any reason not to be pissed.I am pissed 'cause I don't actually know what I want in life.I am also pissed 'cause I hate the way I am.Weak and needy.I want to be more mature.Understanding enough to realize the good and the bad.And yeah,even the ugly.Yet,I am powerful.I am stronger than ever.But I am pissed like shit.I am somebody.I am almost nobody.I hate everbody.I am pissed.

I am getting normal

Yeah,that's true.I am getting powerful now.I am feeling stronger than before.

I rise.

every morning I rise with the sun
carrying the fire within
every evening I set with it
only to rise up again
the core of my being
is my soul that burns
singing the very air that it breathes
the fire within me will never die

I am Powerless.

I am powerless yet again.I hate people who refuse to love me.I hate people who instigate me to do things I don't want to do.I hate people who don't commend to my thoughts.I have committed a second mistake in my second life and I regret it more than I regret joining MIT.I am afraid of not being alone but being lonely.I don't have anyone person to share my thoughts with.No one to tell what and how I feel when I get hurt and when I don't get what I want to get.I even have nobody to share my dark secrets with.I am a bad guy and everyone almost has come to realize this by now.I lie,not for the bad,for the good.Good of others.Good of myself.I think I am powerless.Now,more than ever.I want to stand up and walk.Walk like a man with a purpose walks.I had this dirty filthy breakup sometime back and I just can't seem to get over it.I want to be myself again.The jovial,gay-guy who laughed and never cried.I want to flutter like no one ever did.I want to refuse everything that the world throws at me.I want to sing like bruce springsteen and cry like a new-born kid.A female kid preferably.I want to live again.Live like no one ever did.Live like no one ever can.I am powerless.Really powerless.

I have seen the unseen.I have felt the soul.I have borrowed pain.A lifetime ful of pain.But it's not pain.It's laughing with your friend at a time when you shouldn't.It's the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see – and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you.It's being touched by hands,that aren't your own.It's the thrill of an escape that almost wasn't. It's the embarrassment you feel – naked for the first time.It's helping a friend find something they lost.It's a smile,a joke,a song.It's what someone does that they like remembering.It's the thinking of things you may never do,and the doing of things you might never have thought.It's the road ahead,and the road behind.It's the first step,and the last – and everyone in between.Because they all make up for the good life.I have felt the soul.I have borrowed pain.God knows I tried my best to learn the ways of this world.Even had inklings we could be glorious;but after all that's happened,the inkles ain't easy anymore.I mean – what kind of fucking life is this?Fate plays its non-regular card.Instead of true joy,I feel waves.The kind that make you look forward to meeting your girl on a helpless day.When I ask god “why fucking me?”.He replies tersely “Y dnt ya go and fuckin figure ya'self.Aye not ny kiddo.”.Don't be surprised;God does have a Nigga-accent.He does speak like that.And then I ask god in my dream “Why do you fuck people?”.He says “What do you mean by fuck?The 'fucking' fuck?”.I say “No,I meant the 'Screwup' fuck”.He laughed and said “Oh kiddo,Ya scared shit outta me.I was gonna slap Ya.Ya see,People are supposed to fuck.It is our main purpose in life and all those other activities-playing the trumpets,Vacuuming Carpets,eating chocolate mousse-are just ways of passing the time until Ya can fuck again”.And then,I laugh.And then I wake up to do other unimportant things of my life – like Playing trumpets and vacuuming carpets. I wake up everyday into the trance of oxygen and sunlight.And then I smoke up to get the real feeling.The fucking real feeling.People mistakenly call the post-smoke-up feeling as trance.It's the contrary.Ducking for apples;Change a letter and that is my life.I have been fucking,the un-literal fucking,all my life.People need sex for a clear complexion,but I would rather do it for love.It's hard for me to change according to the changing time.I remember,when I was born, air was clean and sex was dirty.Now it's the opposite.Life plays poker.The strip poker.And it keeps defeating you until you are in your flesh.And then it pokes you,where it shouldn't.You ask it to stop.You cry in pain.You cry in vain.Life is deaf.And it is stupid.But it pokes where it shouldn't.The basis of optimism is sheer terror.Conscience makes egotists of us all.And then one day you start loathing life.But you still run after it and life says “You will always be fond of me.I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit”.You scream.You scream “Fuck you”.And then you wake up.You once again wake up to learn the ways of this world.Wake up in the trance of oxygen and sunlight.The real trance.And you know the reason why god has chosen you to fuck.You don't ask again “Why fucking me?”.Everything goes on.But I keep waiting.I don't know why,but I keep waiting.I know how to ease my pain.I know.I wait.